2010 has been a very odd year and it’s culminated recently in a verging-on-existential-crisis-moment. Just one of those WTF Am I Doing kind of feelings that’s been exacerbated by still being out of work and being given notice on my beautiful place in Bloomsbury, meaning I may have to move back to my parents for a while (eeek). I sat down to write a basic day-to-day email to my BFF in NY, and it ended up turning into a rather epic outpouring of everything. His response was the best pep talk ever – raw, honest, verging on brutal – but it’s what I needed to hear. What I already knew on some level, I guess, but you still want someone who knows the path, who’s been there, is already there, to tell you about it. Excerpts below, because I think it bears frequent reading:
From: Dan
To: Hannah
Date: Mon, Aug 30, 2010 at 3:57 PM
Subject: Re: this turned into a really epic email. like, get-a-cup-of-coffee long.
...[It’s] the usual existential crisis for the creative class - those of us with the permanent job problem since all we really want to do is make things and learn. Let me tell, you, it only gets tougher as you get older and everyone you know has kids and steadiness and plans and savings accounts...
Part of this is simply accepting your shape. Anyway, those years from 17-26 are never wasted, or to be more precise, they are the part of us that is shaped by not worrying, trying things out, getting lost, being stupid, having fun and through it all, forming our ideas and ideals. I mean, when did you learn to be passionate? Not just about film, but about life (and film too)? Those are the years... What you mustn't do is think you're done being passionate (or stupid or wasted or having fun) even though this is the time for you to focus that passion towards satisfying Greater Needs. For most people, those years almost accidentally lead them onto a path, through a relationship, or kids, or a job that started out fine and then became permanent. (I don't mean to say none of those people are passionate, but it does get beaten out of one.) While you're out having fun, you end up dancing into a box and boom you're stuck. For a few of us, we were never really going to let that happen. For us, the passion is the point.
So then, the only question is, what are those Greater Needs I mentioned? It is a simple human desire to be satisfied - no, pleased (overjoyed!) - at the products of our hands and hearts and minds. It is, unfortunately, not in the interests of Capitalism for us to express or even understand that desire. We are removed from our work, and our labor is at the service of Capital only. We are taught to subsume those desires under an unformed lust for shoes and shiny things. So of course the road is tough for those of us trying to make it in the Matrix, when it all just looks like ugly code... I'm telling you, that part will not get easier. It is only easy for the Trustafarians and the Insanely Fortunate. We are really neither, and have to use the light of our little personal passions as the beacon to carry us through the Dark Nights. I have indeed had many of these nights recently, but every day I thank the gods for that beacon, for without it, I would be truly lost.
...Make your goals and to-do lists enormous in scope, but small in steps. Baby steps will get you the way, on steadier feet. (Much better than standing around waiting for your feet to grow...) Keep talking to everyone you can. Keep pushing as hard as you can, no matter what.
Hannah, I'll keep saying it - it only gets harder. Turn up the music and the light on that beacon and know that you are doing the right thing. That excitement you feel when you think about making movies is the key; is there anything else that could make you so completely happy and feeling worthwhile?!? Remember also that we have little say over where the wind and weather will blow our little boats. Just keep that beacon in sight, and your life will be right.
I love you. Stay strong.
So I guess, in other words, keep on keepin' on ...
From: Dan
To: Hannah
Date: Mon, Aug 30, 2010 at 3:57 PM
Subject: Re: this turned into a really epic email. like, get-a-cup-of-coffee long.
...[It’s] the usual existential crisis for the creative class - those of us with the permanent job problem since all we really want to do is make things and learn. Let me tell, you, it only gets tougher as you get older and everyone you know has kids and steadiness and plans and savings accounts...
Part of this is simply accepting your shape. Anyway, those years from 17-26 are never wasted, or to be more precise, they are the part of us that is shaped by not worrying, trying things out, getting lost, being stupid, having fun and through it all, forming our ideas and ideals. I mean, when did you learn to be passionate? Not just about film, but about life (and film too)? Those are the years... What you mustn't do is think you're done being passionate (or stupid or wasted or having fun) even though this is the time for you to focus that passion towards satisfying Greater Needs. For most people, those years almost accidentally lead them onto a path, through a relationship, or kids, or a job that started out fine and then became permanent. (I don't mean to say none of those people are passionate, but it does get beaten out of one.) While you're out having fun, you end up dancing into a box and boom you're stuck. For a few of us, we were never really going to let that happen. For us, the passion is the point.
So then, the only question is, what are those Greater Needs I mentioned? It is a simple human desire to be satisfied - no, pleased (overjoyed!) - at the products of our hands and hearts and minds. It is, unfortunately, not in the interests of Capitalism for us to express or even understand that desire. We are removed from our work, and our labor is at the service of Capital only. We are taught to subsume those desires under an unformed lust for shoes and shiny things. So of course the road is tough for those of us trying to make it in the Matrix, when it all just looks like ugly code... I'm telling you, that part will not get easier. It is only easy for the Trustafarians and the Insanely Fortunate. We are really neither, and have to use the light of our little personal passions as the beacon to carry us through the Dark Nights. I have indeed had many of these nights recently, but every day I thank the gods for that beacon, for without it, I would be truly lost.
...Make your goals and to-do lists enormous in scope, but small in steps. Baby steps will get you the way, on steadier feet. (Much better than standing around waiting for your feet to grow...) Keep talking to everyone you can. Keep pushing as hard as you can, no matter what.
Hannah, I'll keep saying it - it only gets harder. Turn up the music and the light on that beacon and know that you are doing the right thing. That excitement you feel when you think about making movies is the key; is there anything else that could make you so completely happy and feeling worthwhile?!? Remember also that we have little say over where the wind and weather will blow our little boats. Just keep that beacon in sight, and your life will be right.
I love you. Stay strong.
So I guess, in other words, keep on keepin' on ...
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